Why Must We Feel Guilty About Getting Help at Home?
“As a married woman who works in an organisation like a bank, who is always engaged and doesn't have time to cook for her husband, is it wrong to have a house help to assist me sometimes in cooking for my family?” This question recently sparked a conversation following a response from a female preacher, whose advice has since attracted criticism and inspired several reenactments on social media. She reportedly advised wives to use the one-hour break they get at work to go home, prepare a meal for their husbands and leave a sweet note for them. While the advice has become a source of amusement for many, it raises a more important question: why is getting help with household responsibilities sometimes treated as though it reflects a woman's failure to care for her family? More importantly, why must a woman who has the means to employ domestic help feel compelled to do everything herself?
The value of domestic help goes far beyond having someone prepare meals. Running a household requires time, energy and considerable effort. Between cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and childcare, everyday responsibilities can quickly become overwhelming, particularly for people with demanding jobs. For a woman who leaves home early, spends hours at work and returns to another list of tasks, the demands of managing a household can feel like having a second job waiting for her at the end of the first. This is where domestic help can make a meaningful difference. Having someone assist with household chores can ease the pressure of managing a home, create time for rest and allow people to focus on other important aspects of their lives. A working mother may have more time to spend with her children. A couple may enjoy an evening together without either person worrying about preparing dinner or else tackling a mountain of laundry. Someone caring for an elderly family member may find it easier to balance that responsibility with work and personal needs.
These are not insignificant benefits. They can improve the way a household functions and make everyday life more manageable for everyone involved. Yet, despite these practical advantages, the decision to employ domestic help can sometimes attract unnecessary judgement. A woman who prepares every meal herself may be praised for being hardworking and devoted, while another who employs a cook may be questioned about her willingness to perform her duties as a wife. Somehow, the effort of doing everything personally can become a measure of commitment, even when a more practical alternative is available. But should the value of a person's contribution to the home be measured by how much work they personally perform, rather than by how well the needs of the household are met? If a family can afford to employ someone to prepare meals, keep the house clean or else help care for the children, what exactly is wrong with that arrangement? The food is still prepared, the home is still maintained and the family's needs are still being met. The difference is that some of the work is delegated, allowing the people in that household to devote their time and energy elsewhere.
Of course, domestic help is not a necessity for every household. Some people enjoy cooking and would rather handle their household responsibilities themselves. Others prefer to share the work with their partners, while some simply cannot afford to employ assistance. Every family has its own circumstances, and there is no single arrangement that works for everyone. The point is not that everyone should have domestic help, but that those who really need it and can afford it should not have to defend their decision to get it. There is, however, an important distinction between getting help with household tasks and neglecting one's responsibilities to one's family. Employing a cook does not automatically make someone an attentive spouse, just as preparing every meal personally does not automatically make someone a loving one. Domestic help can take care of practical tasks, but it cannot replace affection, emotional presence, communication or else the deliberate effort required to maintain meaningful relationships.
This brings us back to the preacher's advice. There is certainly value in encouraging spouses to be thoughtful and intentional about their relationships. Preparing a favourite meal or else leaving a sweet note can be a beautiful expression of affection. The problem arises when one particular gesture becomes an expectation, regardless of the person's circumstances, or else when the ability to perform domestic tasks personally is treated as evidence of how much someone loves their spouse. A woman can employ a cook and still prepare a special meal for her husband when she can. She can delegate the laundry and still be a devoted wife and mother. She can pay someone to help manage her household without outsourcing her affection or else abandoning her responsibilities. The problem is not encouraging wives to care for their husbands, It is the assumption that care must take a particular form, even when that form places an unnecessary burden on the wife.
And this conversation should not be limited to women. Men also have demanding jobs, family responsibilities and personal needs. Where household assistance is necessary and affordable, there is no reason it should be regarded as a privilege reserved for women who have failed to meet some supposed standard of domestic excellence. A home is a shared responsibility, and the arrangements that make it function well should be determined by the needs and circumstances of the people who live in it. It is equally important to remember that domestic workers are people, too. They deserve fair compensation, reasonable working conditions, adequate rest and respect for their dignity. Getting help at home should make life more manageable without creating an unfair or else exploitative arrangement for the person providing that help.
Ultimately, domestic help should be seen for what it can be: a practical resource that makes it easier to manage the demands of everyday life. It can give families more breathing room, reduce the pressure of household chores and create opportunities for people to devote more time to their careers, relationships, children and personal well-being. Perhaps, then, instead of asking why a woman needs someone to help her cook for her husband, we should ask why we sometimes attach so much moral significance to doing everything ourselves. There is nothing inherently noble about making life more difficult than it needs to be, and there is certainly no reason a woman should have to exhaust herself to prove that she is capable of caring for her family.
Sometimes, being responsible does not mean doing everything yourself. It means recognising what needs to be done, understanding what you can reasonably manage and knowing when getting help is the wiser choice.
